The Autumn of a Family Member’s Life: How Families Cope
By Marcus M. Padulchick, ND,
Source-Excellence Ltd.
Advisors, Coaches, Consultants
Arguments. Bickering. Miscommunication. Tempers flaring. Emotions spinning out of control. When a family member is dying the entire family if effected. Even the most solid and loving family units can denigrate into disagreement and conflict. Family members erupt in angry and misdirected words. Let’s take a closer look at how and why family dynamics are influenced by the impending death of a loved one.
STRESS
One of the biggest causes of family discord is stress. Stress is the automatic psychological and physiological reaction to any event perceived as disruptive, offensive or threatening to one’s normal routine. Life itself is stressful as a matter of course. We all do our best to handle the day to day stressors that we encounter - work, paying bills, traffic, school, all elements of modern living.
Now introduce the additional factor of a dying family member. This added weight can feel unbearable to family members. It feels like the final push over an edge where they were only delicately balancing to begin with. Naturally this stress ripples out to their interactions with other family members. A growing feeling of inner pressure can only be internalized for so long. Eventually it gets projected outward onto those closest to us, in both bond and proximity. Those nearest and dearest to us become the recipients of all of our unprocessed stress and we often take on the brunt of their stress as well.
STRAINED RELATIONSHIPS
A family unit is like a self-contained microcosm. In other words, over many years families form their own unique ways of relating. A family develops its own standards, norms, values and even language. Over time, families fall into predictable and habitual patterns of behavior. Sometimes these patterns are healthy and functioning, sometimes they are not. When unhealthy patterns become set in place then relationships are strained at best, dysfunctional at worst.
When fundamentally tense relationships are placed under the extra burden of the imminent death of a loved one, clashes often ensue. As the situation intensifies, an emotional “pressure-cooker” develops that often has more to do with past events than the current situation. Yet these dynamics commonly play themselves out in hospital rooms or at the bedside of an ailing loved one.
EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER
The emotions surrounding the approaching death of a loved one are deep, complex and often unfamiliar. It can feel like you are being pulled by wild horses in a thousand different directions. While at other times you feel numb. It brings up emotions that range from sadness and depression to anger and rage. And everything in between. Sometimes it is even hard to identify what you are feeling.
This understandable whirlwind of emotions makes us feel as if we are walking on a tightrope, barely keeping our balance. Other times it feels as if we are caught up in a tornado not knowing where we will be thrown next. These feelings naturally extend into the ways in which we respond to family members. We feel sensitive, so we take things too personally. An innocent comment is perceived as a criticism. We feel edgy, so we over-react to the slightest demand. A simple request is perceived as an overwhelming command. These reactions get in the way of a families true desire to support and understand one another.
HOW TO COPE
Some of us manage stress and emotions better than others. Relationships and communication are complex topics, as are death and dying, so there are no simple solutions that work for everyone. Yet, here are a few guidelines to consider:
Manage Stress. Learn to identify when you are feeling stressed out and you’ve reached your limit. Give yourself permission to take time out to care for yourself. Find ways to de-stress – take a walk, meditate, pray, read a light or inspiring book, watch a funny movie.
Manage Stress. Learn to identify when you are feeling stressed out and you’ve reached your limit. Give yourself permission to take time out to care for yourself. Find ways to de-stress – take a walk, meditate, pray, read a light or inspiring book, watch a funny movie.Communication. Talk to people about how you are feeling. Tell a friend you just need to vent. Sit down and have a dialogue with family members. If necessary, seek out a competent professional therapist.
Communication. Talk to people about how you are feeling. Tell a friend you just need to vent. Sit down and have a dialogue with family members. If necessary, seek out a competent professional therapist.Honor your emotions instead of denying them. Be compassionate, patient and nonjudgmental with yourself. Give yourself time and space to feel.
Honor your emotions instead of denying them. Be compassionate, patient and nonjudgmental with yourself. Give yourself time and space to feel.Keep a journal about how you are feeling and what is happening in your life.
Keep a journal about how you are feeling and what is happening in your life.Remember that others are experiencing there own level of stress and emotions. They are doing the best that they can.
Remember that others are experiencing there own level of stress and emotions. They are doing the best that they can.Despite the sadness, consider the sacredness of this time. You may want to use it for reflection and resolution.
Despite the sadness, consider the sacredness of this time. You may want to use it for reflection and resolution.The autumn of a family member’s life brings many challenges. But it also provides us with many life lessons. If we see the opportunities for growth and healing, we can change family disruption into family connection. As intense as situations become, they do not last forever. If we look, we can find the peace in the hardest of circumstances
The Autumn of a Family Member’s Life: How Families Cope
